


Kisses

by WinterSky101



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Episode: s08e08 Hunteri Heroici, M/M, References to Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-29
Updated: 2012-11-29
Packaged: 2017-11-19 21:04:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/577642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WinterSky101/pseuds/WinterSky101
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Castiel tells Dean he can't go back to Heaven because he might kill himself, it hits Dean hard.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kisses

Dean knows he has feelings for Castiel. He's known that for a while. At first, he thought he cared for him the way he cared for Sam, but a few kind of kinky dreams showed him that was definitely  _not_  the case. Still, he's never really thought to apply the word "love" to how he feels about Castiel. Feelings, yes. Caring, yes. Occasional hot dreams that require a cold shower upon waking, yes. But love? Dean's never really felt it in this context and he really doesn't know what he's looking for.

But when Castiel says he can't return to Heaven because he's afraid he might kill himself… Well, that's when it all changes for Dean. Because that thought, the thought of Castiel ending his own life, is so unbelievably painful that just saying it aloud makes Dean's chest hurt. He won't be able to function if Castiel does. A part of his mind urges him to calm down; whenever he or Castiel or Sam die, they seem to come back. But none of them has committed suicide yet, and Dean's not sure if that'll get Castiel a free pass back to Earth or not. He thinks probably not.

The look on Castiel's face is so full of pain and self-loathing and Dean want to wipe all that sorrow away. He wants to kiss Castiel.

He does. He really does. He wants to kiss him, to feel his warm lips under Dean's own, to maybe play out a fantasy or two from his dreams. He's actually going to do it this time. He thought about it once or twice more. When he first saw Castiel after he exploded from the Leviathans, he desperately wanted to kiss him, but Castiel had no idea who he was at that time and he thought he was  _married_. When he woke from his coma and Dean went to him, he wanted so badly to kiss him. Then Castiel stuck out his finger and Dean knew that something was wrong, that something was horribly wrong, that in fixing Sam Castiel had caused himself to break. When Dean found Castiel in Purgatory, he planned to follow up the hug with a kiss, but Castiel didn't reciprocate the embrace and Dean refrained. He didn't want to push. He still doesn't, not really. But he also doesn't think he can hold down the impulse to kiss Castiel anymore.

He's starting to lean in when Sam enters the motel room. Dean silently curses his luck. He's not going to do anything with Sam here. And so he pulls back and acts like everything's normal. Like Castiel didn't just say he might end up killing himself if he goes back up to Heaven. Like Dean didn't just stop a hair's breadth away from kissing Castiel. He pretends that none of that happened. This is nothing new. It's just one more opportunity gone, one more chance missed.

Dean wants to give Castiel a thousand kisses, but first he's got to figure out how to give him one.

**Author's Note:**

> My writing tumblr is [here](http://winterskywrites.tumblr.com/), if you're interested.


End file.
